By: Megs S. Lunn
“I am so blessed to have 20 years of a comforting, fun, well-oiled relationship. The men and women I know who have been divorced and remarried have lost something in having to start over. Do you have any words of wisdom to help people understand how marriage can become better and better, rather than a holding pattern for people too tired to switch or too afraid of losing the security of a known thing?”
This is an e-mail letter from my Inbox and it has been in my inbox for quite a while. I don’t know what to say or write, nevertheless, I decided to reply. I want to share with you what I thought about and learned from my experience with almost having 10 years of relationship and mixed-marriage (married to a foreigner) with the man (an Englishman) I said “I do.” Perhaps to those of you who are planning to get married, (mixed or not) who have a young marriage or to young couples, this would help you to have a good start, although, as I read the short letter, it seems to me that the sender is in mid-life crisis. However, this is my answer to her.
“You're right--you are blessed to have such a great marriage. Oh, that the rest of us wish we could have the same good fortune! I'm not saying it's just the luck of the draw--a thriving marriage takes a lot of commitment, hard work, and maturity.
To make our marriages the fulfilling relationships we all want, we can first start out with a "this relationship is so important to me that I will do everything I can to make it work" attitude. Then, with that in place, follow these suggestions:
Talk and listen. Dedicate time, regularly, for a marital checkup. Take an inventory of where your relationship has been and where you want it to go, and express your wants and needs.
Nurture each other. With our busy, stressful midlives, we need our partner's support, caring, and validation more than ever. Take "small moments" at the start of the day to ask, "What are you doing today?" or "How are you feeling?" Give your spouse a kiss, a hug, a mile-wide smile to give him or her that "I'm special" feeling. Saying countless “I love you” helps.
Have fun. To avoid routine and boredom, brainstorm ways to put adventure, excitement, and surprise into the marital mix. For example, try creating a kooky recipe together or exploring a new area of town.
Be flexible and accept. Midlife is a time for change. Let go of the need to mold your spouse to your ideal and of the idea that differences are intolerable. Successful couples don't fuss over the small stuff.Improve sex and intimacy. Have a Sexual Review. Talk about how you have both changed and what you want now--and don't forget to experiment.Reach out beyond your coupledom. Bring positive, fun-loving, nurturing people into your lives. Try this: On paper, make a list of friends and relatives who give you positive, fun, and supportive feelings. Next, create a wish list of relationships that you would like but don't have. Now, discuss how to make them happen. Finally, plan how you will include at least two of these "positive" individuals in your lives each week.
Prioritize. Always remember that no matter what, your marriage and family is always on the first list of your priorities. No matter how it hurts you to leave your job, your career, your favorites or your self-goal, you have your spouse to share with. My family is my priority, my happiness come what may.
Friends come and go, but your family will always be there for you, fight and die for you and be with you for the rest of your life.” /MPmailto:megs73ph@yahoo.com
This is an e-mail letter from my Inbox and it has been in my inbox for quite a while. I don’t know what to say or write, nevertheless, I decided to reply. I want to share with you what I thought about and learned from my experience with almost having 10 years of relationship and mixed-marriage (married to a foreigner) with the man (an Englishman) I said “I do.” Perhaps to those of you who are planning to get married, (mixed or not) who have a young marriage or to young couples, this would help you to have a good start, although, as I read the short letter, it seems to me that the sender is in mid-life crisis. However, this is my answer to her.
“You're right--you are blessed to have such a great marriage. Oh, that the rest of us wish we could have the same good fortune! I'm not saying it's just the luck of the draw--a thriving marriage takes a lot of commitment, hard work, and maturity.
To make our marriages the fulfilling relationships we all want, we can first start out with a "this relationship is so important to me that I will do everything I can to make it work" attitude. Then, with that in place, follow these suggestions:
Talk and listen. Dedicate time, regularly, for a marital checkup. Take an inventory of where your relationship has been and where you want it to go, and express your wants and needs.
Nurture each other. With our busy, stressful midlives, we need our partner's support, caring, and validation more than ever. Take "small moments" at the start of the day to ask, "What are you doing today?" or "How are you feeling?" Give your spouse a kiss, a hug, a mile-wide smile to give him or her that "I'm special" feeling. Saying countless “I love you” helps.
Have fun. To avoid routine and boredom, brainstorm ways to put adventure, excitement, and surprise into the marital mix. For example, try creating a kooky recipe together or exploring a new area of town.
Be flexible and accept. Midlife is a time for change. Let go of the need to mold your spouse to your ideal and of the idea that differences are intolerable. Successful couples don't fuss over the small stuff.Improve sex and intimacy. Have a Sexual Review. Talk about how you have both changed and what you want now--and don't forget to experiment.Reach out beyond your coupledom. Bring positive, fun-loving, nurturing people into your lives. Try this: On paper, make a list of friends and relatives who give you positive, fun, and supportive feelings. Next, create a wish list of relationships that you would like but don't have. Now, discuss how to make them happen. Finally, plan how you will include at least two of these "positive" individuals in your lives each week.
Prioritize. Always remember that no matter what, your marriage and family is always on the first list of your priorities. No matter how it hurts you to leave your job, your career, your favorites or your self-goal, you have your spouse to share with. My family is my priority, my happiness come what may.
Friends come and go, but your family will always be there for you, fight and die for you and be with you for the rest of your life.” /MPmailto:megs73ph@yahoo.com
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