By: Megs S. Lunn
Some people and friends are curious about life after eleven years of togetherness. I just shrugged it off and smiled.
Do I ever wonder how I got over it? That’s what they thought, but, not yet. Not too soon. "Time heals," as they said.
I didn’t know what I would have done without my wonderful hubby, the first thing that came to mind when I learned the inevitable. What upset me was the thought of not having him around, to ask me first hour in the morning, "did you sleep good, love?" followed by his usual cheerful reminder of, "where’s my coffee?" and giggled.
Now, I am thinking, he just magically disappeared. I remember lying in bed one night and woke up the next day, he was truly gone. How much longer until I feel good again? The holidays and special occasions can be difficult with the loss of a loved one.
The event of loosing someone would have triggered me nervous–breakdown. But, NO. I had to tell myself several times, I will be alright. My daughter and I will be fine. I have to calm down and go on with my life.
Patience is a virtue that I have inherited from my beloved husband. His devotion to our togetherness and fighting for our relationship was the most cherished memoirs of him.
Going back 12 years ago, getting into a commitment of a lifetime relationship right after College was no regret. Knowing what lies ahead of me and facing the truth of a beautiful life together are far, beyond comparison. Nothing can compare the life he, our daughter and I had together and the bonding of love is the best gift he left us.
Yet, now, it is exciting to note the life after marriage. There is more challenge to it. There is more life after marriage. Friends overflowing, they are now my greatest blessings from above.
Responsibility is probably the biggest thing for me to bear today. Looking after a "baby who is now a lady" will be a big challenge for me while getting back on track. Especially that she grew up with more bonding with her Dad than with me. Fortunately, she grew up to be a respectable, thoughtful, kind, smart and lovely Unica Hija that I have prayed for.
But just like any other loved one who have gone and said his statement, "please be happy for me and go on with your life," is what I am doing now. Like he always used to tell me, "After all the star of many who has potential to excel shouldn’t be wasted."
I am slowly getting back on tract at the moment. To use all the energy and resources to stretch my hand to make other people happy. I guess, this is what my purpose in life. In order for me to be happy and enjoy life after marriage, I have to make other people happy first. To serve beyond call of duty and service can’t be exchanged with any monetary compensation. The happiness that I feel now is a journey and not a destination. This is the truth. Our life will always be filled with many challenges.
All people go through the stages of letting go. I am aware of it. For serious relationships, experts agree it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to fully recover. Therefore, if I were married ten years, anticipate five years of recovery. Recovered means I think occasionally of the person, but he no longer remains an influential factor on my emotions, decisions or life. I will no longer avoid events because it reminds me of him. I no longer dread running into someone once closer to him. I will no longer talk about him to dates unless specifically asked. I experienced the loss and I learned to appreciate the good, while moving on with my life.
But this doesn’t mean I am miserable and a basket case for five years. Now, I can say that I have recovered from the trauma of loosing a beloved, after almost 9 months. Occasionally, I talk about him like his skills in cooking, his good food, his jokes and his crazy experience in the Army. His influence upon my life helped mold the person I am today. Yet, pain is a part of life and like anything negative, there is always a better positive in the end.
Here is what I did. Are you familiar with the FOUR STAGES OF GRIEF by Laura Dawn Lewis? This book is focused on the grief caused by relationship break-ups, separation or divorce. The steps are the same for any loss because I applied it to myself who had lost a beloved.
DENIAL. Getting through denial can be the most difficult part of dealing with grief. Experiencing the loss and learning to appreciate the good, while moving on with your life. Until you can overcome the denial, you will never be able to experience a true color of life. It is in your best interest to be as honest and forthright with yourself as possible. Your friends are your allies, listen to what they say, but most importantly, listen to your own gut instincts.
DEPRESSION. Okay, you admit it. It’s over and you know he isn’t coming back, never. The depression phase is about extreme. Suddenly, life feels like it’s over. In women, depression is generally more obvious as it can turn the most competent and confident woman into a needy and insecure bundle of self-doubt. Whatever the method is by which you internalize or deal with depression, it’s important to realize what is happening. Recognizing what is happening is the first step in beating it. The depression phase can last for months and in some cases even years, but if you’re lucky, less than a week. Yes it can be done,
ANGER. This is the final stage that takes some work getting through but it also means that soon you’ll be back to your old self again. Self-loathing can be caused when a woman blames herself of not telling him to "Stop Smoking." But I did, many times. He tried his best, but to no avail. Angry with trials and challenges that will lead you to get angry with people around you even if they did not do any harm to you. You just feel like getting angry to something or anything or to someone that has no reason at all.
ACCEPTANCE. You’ll know you have reached acceptance when:
* You enjoy being around with people and could care less whatever they say about you;
* You realize that you do not need a partner in order to live your life and enjoy it;
* You rarely speak about him;
* You no longer cry over your favorite song together, it simply just another song;
* You look forward to meeting new friends; (eligible men, please?)
* And when alone, you no longer want to have conversations about his memory.
I believe, everything in life has a purpose. All that is happening in our life, God has a purpose. For whatever it will be, let HIS WILL BE DONE. /MP mailto:madyaas_pen@yahoo.com
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