By Dr. Felma dela Cruz, M.D.
* Speech delivered by Dr. Felma Reloj–dela Cruz during the Kalantiao Toastmasters Club meeting on April 12, 2007.
"Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted" according to Apostle Matthew. This is my inspiration through out my grieving process.
So, I am blessed, because I have already mourned and suffered grief several times. I turned the victor after each grief and mourning, which made me a strong woman every time I conquered each one.
All of us experienced tragedy or loss in our lifetime. It could be losing a balloon to the air when we were a small kid or losing a husband at the peak stage of marriage, undergoing a very delicate brain operation and barely I recovered from it. I lost my daughter to someone, whom I did not like for genetic reasons.
Expectedly, we go through some sort of grieving process which could last for a few minutes to even years, depending on the gravity of tragedy or loss. We have to undergo this process step by step, for us to emerge the victor and not the loser.
There are 7 basic steps or stages of this grieving process:
Stage I. Shock
and Denial:
SHOCK – God uses shock as a protection against complete devastation. It is a built-in protection, giving us time to become gradually adjusted to the change that has taken place.
- It can last for a few minutes to several weeks, if it goes beyond, something is wrong.
- It is a temporary escape from reality, but if it is not temporary, it can lead to very serious problems.
- Healthy shock is like a temporary anesthetic, however we cannot stay permanently under anesthesia.
DENIAL – It is refusal to face reality, which can often cause emotional and mental illness in varying degree.
- God has equipped us with His Holy Spirit to empower us to face reality, to take God’s hand, to walk to the dark valleys and to overcome the obstacles that life brings and comes out victorious in every way.
STAGE II. ANGER
…to God, the Devil, the Self and at the person who caused the pain or loss even that person died.
Anger at God – We ask God, like God, why did You not prevent such things from happening to us and hurting us badly? "If God is good and powerful, why does He allow bad things to happen to good people?"
Anger at the devil – the bible says we should hate evil, since the devil is the source of all evils, then being angry with him can be healthy. We should defeat evil with good.
Anger at self – One asked himself "Could I have done anything to prevent this from happening? I should stop tormenting myself with regret.
Anger at Others – It is normal to experience anger at anyone who has caused him/her pain or hurt, even if that person died. "Why did you leave me? I asked my husband after his death and every time I encounter problems with my children. It is fulfilling for me to go to the cemetery anytime of the day or night just to express my anger to him.
Remember, don’t be angry with God and at yourself. Be angry at the devil and express that anger in a proper way by overcoming evil with good.
The answer is not to keep your emotions, but to recognize them for what they are and to express them in the proper manner.
- At this stage, I became like a wounded animal, behaving like one, but I was able to overcome it with my fear of God. I know what I did was unbecoming and shameful but it made me feel better and it made me feel numb and callous to the shame.
- I would tell my friend that she is my daughter and not my neighbor, that’s why I’m reacting this way. If you will become a widow like me, you will feel how I feel and understand why I’m acting this way.
STAGE III:
UNCONTROLED EMOTIONS:
This includes sobbing and hysteria, which may come and go when least expected. Some people refuse to weep or show any kind of untoward emotion which is not healthy.
Pent up emotions are powerful and need to be released otherwise this emotion will possibly destroy your mental, emotional and even your physical health.
Since God has given us tear glands and an ability to cry, that means that there will be times in our life when we need to weep.
There is healthy weeping and unhealthy weeping. Proper release of wounded emotions is healthy, but beware of self pity.
At first, I did not cry, because of extreme anger, until after a week, when I did cry every now and then, even in the wee hours of the night. As a result of which, I have cough for more than a month due to the constant pouring of tears in my throat.
I even went berserk, by going to the culprit’s house and shouting invectives, but my guardian angel friends and relatives were there to console and protect me.
STAGE IV:
DEPRESSION:
This is the state of being under, or an area sunk below normal levels characterized by being withdrawn, with sleep disturbances, hopelessness, lethargy, apathy and even with suicidal tendencies.
Everyone has experienced depression at sometime or another in his life. Normal emotion and proper release of them are healthy, but when emotion are allowed to control us, they become very destructive.
As a physician, I am aware of this stage, which if improperly guided will lead to a destructive result like suicide. I was able to conquer it by a lot of prayers and talking it over to my dear friend psychiatrist, Dra. Mona (Magayanes) and several priests who lent their compassionate and professional ears in my ventilation of my grief. Unlike others, who were trying to stop me from talking and correcting me, which even made me angry. When emotions are really beyond self-control we need to take prescription drugs for the situation. But, I haven’t taken any, because I was able to overcome my grief, 95 percent, as of now.
STAGE V:
OVERWHELMING
EMOTION:
It is perfectly natural to be anxious for all your painful feeling to subside and finally disappear forever. However, that is not usually the way it works.
Something may happen that triggers a memory and suddenly all the old emotion comes back with a vengeance.
STAGE VI:
CONFUSION,
DISORIENTATION & FEAR
Facing a major change in our lives is one of the most emotionally difficult times that we are called upon to endure. If that change comes as a result of tragedy, loss, or cries, then these confusion, disorientation and fear are normal.
When we neither know what to do nor what the future holds, it is comforting to know that God does know.
I conquered this stage by prayers and talking to a professional like Dr. Mona (Magayanes) and several priests who better understand the mechanics of the grieving process.
My cardiologist at UST whom I consulted for my mild heart attack, became a psychiatrist.
STAGE VII:
PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS
People who are grieving over death or traumatic loss will experience physical, mental, emotional symptoms. There is also lack of sleep, loss of appetite which when added to an overstressed body will lead to physical pain, sickness and disease. That is why it is important to get as much physical exercise, nourishment and rest to help the mind and body remain healthy during this stressful times.
In dealing with all these stages of grieving process, the keyword is BALANCE. Pray and pray while going through this 7 stages of grieving, so the devil doesn’t have a chance to enter your system.
I went through all these 7 stages of grieving, with help of my children, relatives, friends, my doctors and several priests. They and I prayed very hard for me, so that I can pass through this latest tragic event of my life physically and mentally sound. I did my share by hearing mass and visiting the Adoration Chapel everyday, so that the devil will not overpower me.
I exercised 15 minutes a day to relax my mind and body and also for my heart which suffered the brunt of that emotional turmoil.
I buried myself in reading books about God, depression, forgiveness, medical books and journals so that those negative thoughts will not have a chance to enter my mind.
I emerged the victor, by trusting God, my psychiatrist friend Mona, my relatives, friends, exercise, drugs for my heart and my inherited guts. Thanks to them.
Right now, I am on the overcoming of grief and loneliness part of this tragic event, because I know God is with me all the time. I became a stronger woman than before. /MP
So, I am blessed, because I have already mourned and suffered grief several times. I turned the victor after each grief and mourning, which made me a strong woman every time I conquered each one.
All of us experienced tragedy or loss in our lifetime. It could be losing a balloon to the air when we were a small kid or losing a husband at the peak stage of marriage, undergoing a very delicate brain operation and barely I recovered from it. I lost my daughter to someone, whom I did not like for genetic reasons.
Expectedly, we go through some sort of grieving process which could last for a few minutes to even years, depending on the gravity of tragedy or loss. We have to undergo this process step by step, for us to emerge the victor and not the loser.
There are 7 basic steps or stages of this grieving process:
Stage I. Shock
and Denial:
SHOCK – God uses shock as a protection against complete devastation. It is a built-in protection, giving us time to become gradually adjusted to the change that has taken place.
- It can last for a few minutes to several weeks, if it goes beyond, something is wrong.
- It is a temporary escape from reality, but if it is not temporary, it can lead to very serious problems.
- Healthy shock is like a temporary anesthetic, however we cannot stay permanently under anesthesia.
DENIAL – It is refusal to face reality, which can often cause emotional and mental illness in varying degree.
- God has equipped us with His Holy Spirit to empower us to face reality, to take God’s hand, to walk to the dark valleys and to overcome the obstacles that life brings and comes out victorious in every way.
STAGE II. ANGER
…to God, the Devil, the Self and at the person who caused the pain or loss even that person died.
Anger at God – We ask God, like God, why did You not prevent such things from happening to us and hurting us badly? "If God is good and powerful, why does He allow bad things to happen to good people?"
Anger at the devil – the bible says we should hate evil, since the devil is the source of all evils, then being angry with him can be healthy. We should defeat evil with good.
Anger at self – One asked himself "Could I have done anything to prevent this from happening? I should stop tormenting myself with regret.
Anger at Others – It is normal to experience anger at anyone who has caused him/her pain or hurt, even if that person died. "Why did you leave me? I asked my husband after his death and every time I encounter problems with my children. It is fulfilling for me to go to the cemetery anytime of the day or night just to express my anger to him.
Remember, don’t be angry with God and at yourself. Be angry at the devil and express that anger in a proper way by overcoming evil with good.
The answer is not to keep your emotions, but to recognize them for what they are and to express them in the proper manner.
- At this stage, I became like a wounded animal, behaving like one, but I was able to overcome it with my fear of God. I know what I did was unbecoming and shameful but it made me feel better and it made me feel numb and callous to the shame.
- I would tell my friend that she is my daughter and not my neighbor, that’s why I’m reacting this way. If you will become a widow like me, you will feel how I feel and understand why I’m acting this way.
STAGE III:
UNCONTROLED EMOTIONS:
This includes sobbing and hysteria, which may come and go when least expected. Some people refuse to weep or show any kind of untoward emotion which is not healthy.
Pent up emotions are powerful and need to be released otherwise this emotion will possibly destroy your mental, emotional and even your physical health.
Since God has given us tear glands and an ability to cry, that means that there will be times in our life when we need to weep.
There is healthy weeping and unhealthy weeping. Proper release of wounded emotions is healthy, but beware of self pity.
At first, I did not cry, because of extreme anger, until after a week, when I did cry every now and then, even in the wee hours of the night. As a result of which, I have cough for more than a month due to the constant pouring of tears in my throat.
I even went berserk, by going to the culprit’s house and shouting invectives, but my guardian angel friends and relatives were there to console and protect me.
STAGE IV:
DEPRESSION:
This is the state of being under, or an area sunk below normal levels characterized by being withdrawn, with sleep disturbances, hopelessness, lethargy, apathy and even with suicidal tendencies.
Everyone has experienced depression at sometime or another in his life. Normal emotion and proper release of them are healthy, but when emotion are allowed to control us, they become very destructive.
As a physician, I am aware of this stage, which if improperly guided will lead to a destructive result like suicide. I was able to conquer it by a lot of prayers and talking it over to my dear friend psychiatrist, Dra. Mona (Magayanes) and several priests who lent their compassionate and professional ears in my ventilation of my grief. Unlike others, who were trying to stop me from talking and correcting me, which even made me angry. When emotions are really beyond self-control we need to take prescription drugs for the situation. But, I haven’t taken any, because I was able to overcome my grief, 95 percent, as of now.
STAGE V:
OVERWHELMING
EMOTION:
It is perfectly natural to be anxious for all your painful feeling to subside and finally disappear forever. However, that is not usually the way it works.
Something may happen that triggers a memory and suddenly all the old emotion comes back with a vengeance.
STAGE VI:
CONFUSION,
DISORIENTATION & FEAR
Facing a major change in our lives is one of the most emotionally difficult times that we are called upon to endure. If that change comes as a result of tragedy, loss, or cries, then these confusion, disorientation and fear are normal.
When we neither know what to do nor what the future holds, it is comforting to know that God does know.
I conquered this stage by prayers and talking to a professional like Dr. Mona (Magayanes) and several priests who better understand the mechanics of the grieving process.
My cardiologist at UST whom I consulted for my mild heart attack, became a psychiatrist.
STAGE VII:
PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS
People who are grieving over death or traumatic loss will experience physical, mental, emotional symptoms. There is also lack of sleep, loss of appetite which when added to an overstressed body will lead to physical pain, sickness and disease. That is why it is important to get as much physical exercise, nourishment and rest to help the mind and body remain healthy during this stressful times.
In dealing with all these stages of grieving process, the keyword is BALANCE. Pray and pray while going through this 7 stages of grieving, so the devil doesn’t have a chance to enter your system.
I went through all these 7 stages of grieving, with help of my children, relatives, friends, my doctors and several priests. They and I prayed very hard for me, so that I can pass through this latest tragic event of my life physically and mentally sound. I did my share by hearing mass and visiting the Adoration Chapel everyday, so that the devil will not overpower me.
I exercised 15 minutes a day to relax my mind and body and also for my heart which suffered the brunt of that emotional turmoil.
I buried myself in reading books about God, depression, forgiveness, medical books and journals so that those negative thoughts will not have a chance to enter my mind.
I emerged the victor, by trusting God, my psychiatrist friend Mona, my relatives, friends, exercise, drugs for my heart and my inherited guts. Thanks to them.
Right now, I am on the overcoming of grief and loneliness part of this tragic event, because I know God is with me all the time. I became a stronger woman than before. /MP
No comments:
Post a Comment