Reason and Concern

By Ronquillo C. Tolentino

On Lawyers Again

The lawyer that I am, I have always believed, modesty aside, that the legal profession and pursuit of law - as history and tradition have always graded and ranked – is among the noblest, the most exalted, and the most learned of professions. Justice Ameurfina Melencio Herrera, once said, and rightly so, that the Bar is an order as ancient as the magistracy, as noble as virtue, as necessary as justice. But even as this is so, Justice Herrera stressed that as others see the Bar, the profession of law has been far from popular. This would stem from the wrong observation that lawyers are fomenting disputes to promote their own interest or even retarding the progressive pace of development. And lawyers too, are often the butt of uncomplimentary anecdotes. And there’s even a book it, titled “The Lawyer Joke Book”.
A friend of mine sent me a copy of the book which he bought at the Barnes & Nobles bookstore in Manhattan , New York on July 9, 2000.
Anecdotes about lawyers do not die down. The anecdotes increase from time to time which no other professions have.

Here are some not so new lawyer jokes:

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
Taller

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.

What does a lawyer use for birth control?

His personality

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.

You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnakes and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice
.
Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy

Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the USA and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got the first choice.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean”?
A good start!

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
It takes 300,000 of them to make human being.

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They’re both extinct

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

What did the lawyer’s name his daughter?
Sue.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
The nearest cemetery.

What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
To cry when you cut up an onion.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car for salesmen look good.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You won’t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
Now, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb….

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes only one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only Three. The rest are true stories.

How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on the side, then he lies on the other.

What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in the front of the dog.

What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
Law-suits.

What should you do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
Get more cement.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.

What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?
Who cares?

How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them… and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It’s called, Sosumi. /MP