LETTING GO OF GRUDGES
By: Megs S. Lunn
By: Megs S. Lunn
Perhaps you are angry at a relative who said something hurtful. Maybe your friend didn't greet you on your birthday. Maybe you are holding on anger, blame and holding on to grudges. Perhaps your spouse cheated on you. Whatever it is, you feel hurt and angry, and you nurse those feelings - sometimes for months, sometimes for years.
Although it may feel like something important to hold on to, these grudges are no life preservers. In fact, anger and stress hurt your physical and mental health.
I remember reading a book of Barbara LeBey who is a former judge and author of Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them that says, “When you hold a grudge, your anger causes your body to behave as if it's under constant stress, with the stress hormones kicking into high gear. This can increase your blood pressure and heart rate and lower your immune system. It eats energy out of your life, and doesn't make you feel very well.”
Therefore, is it time to forgive?
Forgiveness means letting go of your anger, which is no easy task. By forgiving, you assume a greater understanding of why a person did what he or she did, even if you don't agree with it. The idea here is not so much to benefit the person who hurt you, but rather to help you move forward and live a healthier life. You may or may not reconcile with this person. That depends on you.
Letting go of anger does not mean you stuff your feelings away. It means changing how you think about the situation. You cannot change what happened, but you can change your attitude and interpretation.
When you forgive, you are taking control of your future happiness. You learn to replace the feelings of anger with feelings of goodwill. You do not have to confront the person, and you may never have a relationship with that person ever again. The idea is to stop thinking about the situation in the context of your anger.
By forgiving, you reduce your stress levels. Keep in mind, though, that each situation is different. If you are in an abusive relationship, your main focus should be on getting out of the situation for good.
Keep in mind that forgiveness is a gift to yourself.
Please read this short excerpt from the book of Barbara LeBey:
So Mike approached Elsie. "You're still very upset about Sam," Mike ventured.
Elsie shot back, "Sam stole my job. I have every right to be angry."
"But you're clearly in pain. Why hold your hand on a hot stove?" Mike asked.
"I'm not holding my hand on a hot stove," Elsie replied. "Sam is."
"Sam sure burned you," Mike agreed. "But Sam walked away, but by holding a grudge you're still pressing your hand on the stove. Why not take it off so you can enjoy life again?"
David Leonhardt pointed out, “Don't let a long-standing grudge come between you and someone you love.”
Dig into your own family, and you may find a similar situation: a grudge that's keeping relatives apart. Many go on for decades. Disagreement involving money—usually an inheritance or a personal loan—is one of the most common triggers. "A loan between family members puts a creditor-debtor burden on the relationship, and that's a strain.”
More personal conflicts, such as an interracial marriage that someone refuses to accept, or a person revealing that he or she is gay, are also typical causes of lingering hostility.
But grudges can be overcame. Below are several strategies to mend fences with someone once close who has dropped out of your life. I asked some of my friends how to let go of grudges and each one of them gave different opinions.
Georgette said, “Do some digging. Ask yourself, what am I doing that causes the people I love to pull away from me or become angry?"
“Get a go-between,” Odette added. As Indira Gandhi said, “you can't shake hands with a clenched fist. An impartial relative can help heal the wound.”
A doctor friend said to “Meet, but don't rehash. Spending time with the person will help you reconcile, but not if it ends in a blowout fight. To guard against this, consider calling the person. If you're serious about reconciling with an irrational person, you may need to concede that you're partly at fault for the incident (even if you're not). Why would you do this? To break through the bitterness. Try a face-saving concession such as "Sometimes I overreact." This could loosen the person's defenses and prod him to apologize.
If you do bear some guilt, offer a sincere, plainly worded apology. What works: "I'm deeply sorry for what I did, I love you, and I'll do whatever I can to bring us together again."
My good friend puts it this way, “If you've tried to resolve the rift, and your relative won't budge, show that the grudge is one-sided. Make regular attempts to reconnect. "Send birthday cards, notes, e-mails, and make an occasional phone call so that they know you'll be there when they're ready to reenter your life.”
“And when you do reconcile, don't assume your relative has changed or "learned a lesson. You need to accept that possibility and be prepared to confront it—ideally without cutting him out of your life a second time.”
Friends, “There are some who bear a grudge even to those that do them good.” It is time to take your hand off the hot stove. This is Christmas, time to forgive and forget grudges. /MPmailto:april_73uk@yahoo.co.uk
Although it may feel like something important to hold on to, these grudges are no life preservers. In fact, anger and stress hurt your physical and mental health.
I remember reading a book of Barbara LeBey who is a former judge and author of Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them that says, “When you hold a grudge, your anger causes your body to behave as if it's under constant stress, with the stress hormones kicking into high gear. This can increase your blood pressure and heart rate and lower your immune system. It eats energy out of your life, and doesn't make you feel very well.”
Therefore, is it time to forgive?
Forgiveness means letting go of your anger, which is no easy task. By forgiving, you assume a greater understanding of why a person did what he or she did, even if you don't agree with it. The idea here is not so much to benefit the person who hurt you, but rather to help you move forward and live a healthier life. You may or may not reconcile with this person. That depends on you.
Letting go of anger does not mean you stuff your feelings away. It means changing how you think about the situation. You cannot change what happened, but you can change your attitude and interpretation.
When you forgive, you are taking control of your future happiness. You learn to replace the feelings of anger with feelings of goodwill. You do not have to confront the person, and you may never have a relationship with that person ever again. The idea is to stop thinking about the situation in the context of your anger.
By forgiving, you reduce your stress levels. Keep in mind, though, that each situation is different. If you are in an abusive relationship, your main focus should be on getting out of the situation for good.
Keep in mind that forgiveness is a gift to yourself.
Please read this short excerpt from the book of Barbara LeBey:
So Mike approached Elsie. "You're still very upset about Sam," Mike ventured.
Elsie shot back, "Sam stole my job. I have every right to be angry."
"But you're clearly in pain. Why hold your hand on a hot stove?" Mike asked.
"I'm not holding my hand on a hot stove," Elsie replied. "Sam is."
"Sam sure burned you," Mike agreed. "But Sam walked away, but by holding a grudge you're still pressing your hand on the stove. Why not take it off so you can enjoy life again?"
David Leonhardt pointed out, “Don't let a long-standing grudge come between you and someone you love.”
Dig into your own family, and you may find a similar situation: a grudge that's keeping relatives apart. Many go on for decades. Disagreement involving money—usually an inheritance or a personal loan—is one of the most common triggers. "A loan between family members puts a creditor-debtor burden on the relationship, and that's a strain.”
More personal conflicts, such as an interracial marriage that someone refuses to accept, or a person revealing that he or she is gay, are also typical causes of lingering hostility.
But grudges can be overcame. Below are several strategies to mend fences with someone once close who has dropped out of your life. I asked some of my friends how to let go of grudges and each one of them gave different opinions.
Georgette said, “Do some digging. Ask yourself, what am I doing that causes the people I love to pull away from me or become angry?"
“Get a go-between,” Odette added. As Indira Gandhi said, “you can't shake hands with a clenched fist. An impartial relative can help heal the wound.”
A doctor friend said to “Meet, but don't rehash. Spending time with the person will help you reconcile, but not if it ends in a blowout fight. To guard against this, consider calling the person. If you're serious about reconciling with an irrational person, you may need to concede that you're partly at fault for the incident (even if you're not). Why would you do this? To break through the bitterness. Try a face-saving concession such as "Sometimes I overreact." This could loosen the person's defenses and prod him to apologize.
If you do bear some guilt, offer a sincere, plainly worded apology. What works: "I'm deeply sorry for what I did, I love you, and I'll do whatever I can to bring us together again."
My good friend puts it this way, “If you've tried to resolve the rift, and your relative won't budge, show that the grudge is one-sided. Make regular attempts to reconnect. "Send birthday cards, notes, e-mails, and make an occasional phone call so that they know you'll be there when they're ready to reenter your life.”
“And when you do reconcile, don't assume your relative has changed or "learned a lesson. You need to accept that possibility and be prepared to confront it—ideally without cutting him out of your life a second time.”
Friends, “There are some who bear a grudge even to those that do them good.” It is time to take your hand off the hot stove. This is Christmas, time to forgive and forget grudges. /MPmailto:april_73uk@yahoo.co.uk
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